Heart for Haiti – Why am I even a missionary?

I spend another day rising. Half-felt blessed, half-felt condemned.

Half of my mind praises the Lord for the wonderful life He has blessed me with; with faith in Him, the young husband, the palm trees and beaches, the life of travel…

The other half of my mind wakes up ashamed; no “normal” 9-5 job (because apparently owning a clothing line, photography, and being a missionary isn’t good enough), no kids yet (“oh you’re busy? Just wait until you have kids”), no day to day schedules filled (just weeks blocked at a time around the map)…

My second thought, after my half thoughts, is, “I should write a blog today! About Haiti and love and cultures and races and…” *sips airborne tea* *turns on TV* *sees Charleston church massacre* My heart dropped. I don’t know these people or these faces, but the pain remains the same… I can’t explain it. The feeling you get when you hear the horror. You want it to be just a demonic movie, or video game, or anything but REAL.

How is this a THING in our nation right now? How is whites vs. blacks / civilians vs. police / LGBT vs. homophobics / some group of people vs. some other group of people – How did these become things we kill over in our nation? How do people passive-aggressively share hate about each other on Facebook? When did being an advocate become being a hate-filled extremist?

God, it’s heartbreaking. Really. To strive to live everyday, looking at people – trying to see them with the heart Jesus has for them – and for someone to walk before you and spit on their face, share Facebook hate, giggle with their families about a “joke”, compare them to someone else “better”, beat them up when they walk home from the bar, criticize their physical appearance, go in their church and take their lives. The list keeps going on, because we let it.

Over three years ago, I had a heart for Haiti. I sat in a foreign church. They said “hey, we have a team going to Haiti” and I said sign me up. No questions, no doubts, no experience, just the green light. My head was so sure, my boyfriend (now husband) was up for the adventure too. It ended quickly and quietly. Someone talked him out of it, so I got scared too, and a bailed. God opened the door and gave me a green light, and I let the fear from darkness close it. Oh the places we could go… if we didn’t let the fear of the unknown keep us from going there. It was then I learned, when God says “go”, whatever is on the other side is worth it.

Fast forward, I’ve been in planes, buses, trains, cars, and mopeds this past year more hours than most go on in a decade. My ears have popped, my stomach has been tested, and my feet have blistered. I’ve slept in bus stations, airports, hostels, strangers homes, school campus’, tents, and so much more. I’ve gone through “stuff” not to look at my freshly manicured nails and say, “Mmmmm, yeah. I’m like, well traveled so…” I went though it to look at the face of Jesus and say, “You, You’re worth it all. EVERY nation. EVERY soul.”


Traveling, even when gritty, has led me to more and more of God’s heart, more people He loves. I’ve met a woman who’s boyfriend would beat her, and she cried to me, “I want a better life.” Guy skating in Argentina, said “I am the way I am, because too many people have hurt me.” When not traveling, I’ve worked with someone who was gay that gave their life to Jesus, someone who was a drug dealer and got healed in the break room who gave his life to God. LIKE COME ON, THESE ARE GOD’S PEOPLE! But fear keeps you away from the unknown…

I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship. – Louisa May Alcott

So, when the opportunity for me to go to Haiti came up, I knew, I KNEW it was God saying He will finish what He started in my heart. It’s not the gold star sticker, or super cool Instagram pictures I’m after. It’s the people in this world who are untouchable, unlovable, misunderstood and so broken to the point where they feel like dying, killing, or indulging in sin… That’s what I’m after, loving them the way Jesus did, does, and will continue loving. Until every nation, every tribe, every people hear the good news…

 After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands – Revelation 7:9


If you would like to partner with me in sending help to Haiti Orphanages, please visit www.gofundme.com/heaveninhaiti 

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