*TRIGGER WARNING: This content contains personal testimonies of miscarriage, infertility, loss of life, etc.*
A harsh title for an even harsher reality, right? If you’re new here or stopping by, this is the last post of a series on the lies I’ve believed that have held me back from walking in confidence, joy, and pursuing my purpose. The feedback from my previous posts (Sex Will Make Me Lovable and My Mugshot Is All I Will Ever Be. ) were both encouraging and broke my heart. Who knew so many people could relate to my unhealthy obsession with expectations and shame about sex? Who knew so many would have been hiding in the shadow of past crimes they (or a loved one) committed?
If you are a sensitive person, these posts may not be for you. If you are a perfect person who doesn’t believe anything outside of a church building can be from God, then my new posts won’t be for you. If you are judgmental to the core and fishing for any way to make yourself feel better about your own life, you may enjoy them, but my they still aren’t for you. They’re mostly for me. For the 10 year old me – all the way up to the yesterday me. They’re for anyone who thinks they’re the furthest from God. They’re for anyone who doesn’t look like the angels on the cover of a children’s bible. They’re for the girl who just added another tally to the number of people she has been intimate with. They’re for the person who just got out of jail. They’re for the women who go through the most traumatic events in life and are expected to stay silent. We have more in common then you will ever know. But above all, what we all have in common is a God who sent his son to cover it all. So let’s cover it.
The lie: Women should miscarry in silence.
I’m so guilty of thinking these words as I read a Facebook post: “Dude, get a diary.” There are some things shared online that are a little too radical for your taste.. *cough cough politics*. There’s a lot shared on social media from all ages, genders, races, religions, etc. Something you don’t read often? “We’re pregnant!” followed by, “Pray for us.” and ending with “We lost the baby.” Who knows the golden rule?
Golden Rule: women should not share they’re pregnant until they’re 12 weeks.
I don’t even know at what age I learned this rule. I hate this rule. I mean, I get it, you want to protect the hearts of others, but at what cost does the comfort of others override your truth? Our first pregnancy, we followed this rule. We told only our immediate family, and eventually got to share our big announcement at twelve weeks. This second pregnancy, we did things a little different.
If you don’t know, we are a military family across the country from our families. To protect their hearts and emotions, we did not tell them – and if you’re reading this mom and dad, I’m sorry. We told the clients that I had to reschedule over and over due to me being “sick” but not contagious. We told the ministry leaders why I was unable to show up week after week. We told my husband’s co-workers why he can’t report for duty because he is wrangling a toddler in the ER while his wife’s heart is being monitored. We told a lot of people, okay? And it isn’t because we love them more then people in our family, it’s because this is our tribe of people. These are the people who show up at midnight to watch your baby, to pray with you over every appointment, and help navigate through the lack of healthcare we sometimes experience. I praise God for blessing us with the people who knew to not only celebrate in the life that was created, but to also cry in the back room of a chapel with. To exchange testimonies of the unspoken children that we wish we could hold. To offer to drive me places or bring us food.
Here’s where breaks my heart: if I had followed this rule my first pregnancy, it would have ruined me. At 10 weeks with our first, my husband was deployed, I left my job – and hardly anyone knew. I’d be alone in losing our baby.
Mothers and fathers of children in heaven have been silenced into suffering alone. They are judged for sharing good news that doesn’t last. They’re given ONE day of the year to recognize their loss (no, for real- it’s called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.) My heart goes out to those who have believed the lie of keeping heartache to themselves. My heart goes out to the mom who has been through what we are currently walking through, but without a sister to call them, a friend to check in on them, a co-worker to pick up their absence, etc. My heart goes out to those parents who think this is such a taboo, private, or unspeakable topic, and don’t reach out for even therapy or counseling. My heart goes out to the women who did not know what to expect because of the silence of others (it feels like a sisterhood betrayal, much like the reality of painful postpartum life.) If I didn’t tell anyone about our pregnancy, I would be so isolated. If I did not choose a core group of people from around the world to have praying over me, I wouldn’t know where to look for God’s hand in it. Women, ladies, chicas… you do not have to lose your babies in silence.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18
I am not sharing this for any other reason then to encourage women to celebrate the life they have created. We have been walking through this for longer then people know, and I will not dismiss this pregnancy. Our next baby will be our third, because our second saw Jesus the first time they opened their eyes. I am sharing this in hopes of encouraging other women to recognize and be a voice for those they have lost. It is no secret we are wanting as many biological, adopted, and foster children as possible, so please know when you ask someone “When will you have more kids?” or “You guys need to make more” that you are possibly bringing it up during a time of loss. There is no shame in cheering on parents, like there is no shame in sharing the hard parts of becoming parents. Rejoice in suffering. It’s an unthinkable thing to do. It truly is, but I have faith that God’s glory is revealed in your testimony. The Bible has some uncomfortable, radial truths – and if the God of the Bible is the God of today – our stories will too.